"Go ahead...I won't judge..."
Heard this scene from the back of my mini-van a few days ago. You girl mamas probably know who it was...and maybe some of you boy mamas too. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...ding, ding, ding! It was Anna and Kristoff from Frozen! On the screen...not in the car.:)
We weren't on an extended trip. It wasn't a special treat. We were waiting in car line for the older kids. And guess what? We watched it every day last week. And it stuck with me. So, why did Anna tell Kristoff she wouldn't judge? Because men aren't supposed to cry...and he thought he might...so she put it out there that it was a "judgment free zone." But why did she even have to?
Some of you are tempted to judge me for letting my three-year-old have too much screen time while riding around town. And then I might judge you for judging me. And back and forth we go. So why do we do that???
Because this world places expectations, stereotypes, and unattainable goals out there. The "experts" tell us how to parent, how to teach, how to love, how to dress, how to have a good marriage, etc. Somehow we get ideas of what should be versus reality. Or we put more stock in what the world says than what the Word of God says. We read research and blogs and scary articles about all of the things that can go wrong at any given moment.
We love to have step by step instructions on how to have the best kid, make the most money, or be in perfect health. And we become anxious about fulfilling all of these made up rules for life. So, being the planners we are, we decide how things should go for our families. Because, after all, we know best. But then, we decide to self-impose these expectations on everyone around us...and that's a problem.
I know there is someone out there who wants to tell me I should only let my daughter watch 30 minutes of TV a day or something like that. And you may be right...but she watches more on many days. And I'm OK with that.
I'm not against reading research and blogs and articles. I think it is important to be informed and proactive about your family. I do it too. But, I do struggle with the judgment...and condemnation...that comes along with all of it.
You can feel like you're walking on eggshells as you make choices (Stay-at-home or working mom? Public, private, or home school? Organic or non-organic? Little Debbies or no Little Debbies? Ha! JK. But seriously, the list goes on and on.).
When you make a mistake you are at the mercy of those with accusing looks and ugly comments. The comparison game begins and "respectable sins" like gossip or white lies are overlooked for bigger ones. We hear, "I can't believe she did that...," as the current gossip session goes on.
(Just FYI: There are clear biblical sins and bad choices that may need to be addressed by a friend, but can be done without condemnation. Not judging does not mean ignoring obvious issues or harmful behaviors.)
But y'all. Here's the thing. Judgment isn't going to stop. It isn't going to go anywhere as long as we are on this Earth. But we can have freedom from it. We don't have to be given permission to do something because we are in a "judgment free zone." We can just be. And here are some ways to do that.
1. Remember whose you are.
“I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.” Psalm 139:14
“God sent his Son into the world not to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.” John 3:17
You are created perfectly by a perfect God. You are loved. And you are forgiven if you ask to be. You can have security in that. And it will change your perspective on those judging you.
2. Take responsibility for your choices and learn from them.
“for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,” Romans 3:23
“For we must all stand before Christ to be judged. We will each receive whatever
we deserve for the good or evil we have done in this earthly body.” 2 Cor.5:10
We all mess up. Every day. And one day we will answer to the one and only Judge. But instead of wallowing in our mess, we can take steps to make things right. Learnand change. And give people something inspiring to talk about. You can feel confidentin knowing the Lord is growing you in spite of your failures.
3. Decide who you are trying to please.
“Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.” Galatians 1:10
It's a simple question to answer, but hard to live out. Who are you trying to please? Men or God? It is a choice that has to be made over and over again, but it is so freeing when you allow yourself to only worry about pleasing the One who matters most. Because you will never please them all, no matter how hard you try. And I admit to being a work in progress here...
4. Live out the Golden Rule.
“Do not judge so that you will not be judged. “For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you. “Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? “Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ and behold, the log is in your own eye? “You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.” Matthew 7:1-5
Look at yourself in the mirror. Truly examine your own heart and mind. When you realize the depth of your own sin, it will change the way you look at and talk about others. And it will allow you to give grace to those who judge you.
5. Follow the Lord’s example: search the motives of the heart.
“But I, the LORD, search all hearts and examine secret motives.” Jeremiah 17:10
“People may be right in their own eyes, but the LORD examines their heart.”
Proverbs 21:2
Most likely, if someone is judging you there is an underlying issue. Jealousy,
ignorance, insecurity, pride, anger...these are all root causes of judgment. We want
what others have so we pick them apart in hopes of making ourselves feel better.
We listen to the crowd instead of investigating things ourselves and make ignorant
accusations or assumptions. We feel "less than" so we try to tear others down in hopes
of lifting ourselves up. And many times, we name all of the "good" things we do
compared to others and create "lists" to feed our arrogance. Or we get angry and
choose to take it out on others by judging in the name of "constructive criticism."
Knowing the motive doesn't make it right. But it does give insight into where the
other person is coming from. And it can help you love them when they are just
plain unlovable. You still might not like them, but you can love them, the same way
that Jesus loves us.
If you feel you are being judged, I'm sorry. If you are the one doing the judging, I hope you have a change of heart. I have been in both scenarios. I wish I could snap my fingers and declare the whole world a "judgment free zone." But like all hard things, if we didn't have them, we wouldn't see our need for Jesus. We wouldn't run to Him when things get tough. We wouldn't seek His face instead of this crazy world. And we would miss out on the greatest love the world has ever known.
Today I hope that instead of judgment you feel love, instead of condemnation you feel forgiveness, and instead of trying to please the world you choose to live to please the One who matters most.
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